You Don’t Have to Feel Strong to Keep Going.
I’ve always used exercise to get me through things.
Looking back, I think exercise has probably saved me more times than I ever realised.
I’ve faced some huge emotional challenges in my life, and at times I’ve felt completely lost, overwhelmed and, quite frankly, heartbroken.
And somehow, I’ve always known where to go.
I lose myself in horses.
I lose myself in training.
I set myself huge goals and then throw everything I’ve got at achieving them.
Sometimes those goals are planned. Other times, opportunities come along that I could never have imagined — like competing at the European Championships and coming home with a team silver medal.
But that didn’t happen by accident.
I’ve always been a bit of a perfectionist, particularly with my horses. I’m definitely a careful rider rather than a fast one, and I’ve been the butt of everyone’s jokes over the years for not being quite quick enough!
But I’d much rather jump a steady clear round than chase the clock and risk having a fence down.
And as it turned out, being the slow one paid off!
Selection for the Europeans was based on the number of starts and clear rounds, and that was something Heron and I excelled at.
So all those years of being teased for being too careful actually helped earn us a place at the European Championships and a team silver medal!
What made that achievement even more special was that Jason had suffered a brain aneurysm, and we were going through an incredibly difficult time in our lives.
There were days when I honestly didn’t know how I was going to cope, but I still had my horses, my training and something to work towards.
And Heron gave me something extraordinary to aim for.
I genuinely don’t know how I would have survived some of those years without him. I really don’t.
My dad often tells me how much he worries about me.
He says he doesn’t understand how I’m still standing after everything I’ve been through.
My mum always tells me how strong I am.
But the funny thing is, I’ve never really felt strong.
I still don’t.
There have been plenty of times when I’ve felt anything but strong.
I’ve experienced the kind of loss and heartbreak that changes you forever. I’ve watched someone I love suffer, felt the helplessness of not being able to change what was happening, and somehow had to find a way to carry on afterwards.
And I don’t say that lightly.
There are things in life you don’t simply get over. You learn to live alongside them.
Exercise hasn’t fixed those things. It hasn’t made the grief disappear or stopped the difficult days from coming.
And I would never pretend that getting on a horse or going for a run is the answer to everything.
But sometimes, when my head has been so full that I haven’t known what to do with myself, it’s given me a little breathing space.
A few hours when I can concentrate on something other than what’s hurting.
And sometimes that’s been enough to get me through another day.
I’ve never really been someone who sits still for very long, particularly when life gets difficult.
If my head is too full, I go to the horses.
If I feel lost, I train.
And if I need something to pull me forwards, I’ll set myself another ridiculous goal or enter a horse show!
Give me a challenge. Something to work towards. Something that scares me a little — and I’m good.
Well, perhaps not good. But I’ve got something to get my teeth into, and that makes all the difference.
Because when you have a goal, you have somewhere to direct your energy.
Something you can work towards, even when other parts of your life aren’t going the way you’d hoped.
And then you start.
One session.
One ride.
One run.
One step at a time.
Maybe that’s what strength actually is.
Not being unaffected by life.
Not pretending things don’t hurt.
Not always feeling brave or knowing what you’re doing.
Maybe it’s simply finding a way to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even when you don’t feel particularly capable of doing so.
Exercise has never just been about fitness for me.
It’s been escape, purpose, friendship, achievement and freedom.
It’s taken me to places I never imagined I’d go, introduced me to wonderful people and given me some of the happiest moments of my life.
But it’s also been there during some of the darkest.
And sometimes, it’s reminded me who I am when I’ve felt like I’ve lost myself completely.
I think people often mistake resilience for strength.
They see someone achieving things, smiling, competing or getting on with life and assume they must be incredibly strong.
But they don’t necessarily see what’s going on underneath.
They don’t see the days when getting out of bed feels like an achievement in itself.
Or the moments when you’re desperately trying to hold everything together.
And that’s why I don’t think you have to feel strong to keep going.
You don’t have to have everything figured out.
You don’t even have to feel particularly positive.
Sometimes you just need to find that one thing that gives you a reason to take the next step.
For me, that’s always been movement.
A horse.
A pair of trainers.
A bike.
A challenge.
Something to aim for.
Something to get up for.
And perhaps that’s why, after everything life has thrown at me, I still love a challenge as much as I did when I was that little girl saving up for her first pony.
Because it’s never really been about the medals, the competitions or the achievements.
It’s about having something that makes me feel like me.
Something that reminds me that however difficult life gets, there are still things to look forward to, things to work towards and moments of happiness waiting to be found.
I don’t always know how I’m going to get through something.
I just seem to know where I need to go.
